WAIT WHY DOES THIS FEEL SO FAMILIAR?

My family and I are currently on week 5 of self isolation since the height of the coronavirus has taken off. Dan and I are full time parenting, full time daycare teachers trying to occupy and stimulate our daughter, and oh yeah FULL TIME WORKING as well. In case the exhaustion or resentment dripping off the page isn’t apparent… we’re VERY EXHAUSTED.

When all this went down it took me some time to adjust, I was very shaken by the abrupt change to our routine and daily life. I was legit crying on and off for the first 3 weeks. I honestly feel bad for all my coworkers because essentially any meeting (large or small) that I would be video conferencing into was either watching me cry or just watching me try to hold back tears.

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Then I realized what was going on… I was experiencing post traumatic stress disorder!

Everything about what was happening felt shockingly familiar to me:

  • Emotional

  • Grieving an old life that I fear I will never reclaim or experience again

  • Not knowing what the next day will hold

  • Feeling stuck, uncertain and absolutely helpless

  • Not knowing when I’ll be able to resume normal activities and simple pleasures again

  • Going outside and doing very simple things seem astronomically hard and difficult (i.e. going grocery shopping, going to the park, etc)

  • Overwhelming stress

  • Restlessness

  • Immense anxiety

  • Feeling incredibly overwhelmed and paralyzed with fear at having to learn and behave in a way that was brand new, all at once and immediately

See the list above? I bet you think this is a fairly accurate list that summarizes my feelings and emotions about living in the time of coronavirus. OHH NOOOOO.

This list is actually the list I wrote down 3 YEARS AGO DURING MAT LEAVE! That’s right, all the feelings above are what I experienced after giving birth to Kensi and can only be described as one of the most life altering experiences I’ve had, which was postpartum depression and anxiety.

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I reflect upon that time as being one of the scariest, darkest, isolating and most intensely overwhelming periods of my life… but also one that I have never been more grateful for. Becoming a newborn mother was like having my physical and emotional self torn into shreds, and then it took me almost a year to piece myself back together.

This is why this whole corona/quarantine episode seems to be a total trigger for me and left me in a total state of overwhelming emotions and chaos for weeks… because I honestly was like, wait a minute, why does this seem so familiar?! And then I had to check myself (before I wrecked myself).

As I’m coming out of my PTSD fog, I’m reminded of what happened at the end of the first year of mat leave. It started out super dark and rocky and it ended up being a year that I experienced the most transformative growth I had ever experienced before, one that is hands down one of the most proudest things I feel I’ve accomplished.

I ended up growing a tiny human, becoming a killer mom, and reclaiming back my life that had hints of the things I enjoyed before but then being able to feel and experience so much more after. The new life I had built was BETTER than the one I had been living before Kensi… albeit more challenging and exhausting don’t get me wrong.

I remember when Kensi was born and I was sobbing day and night, I distinctly remember thinking that one of the things I’ll never be able to experience or enjoy again was going to a live concert. Fast forward 7 months later and it was one of the first nights that I had left Kensi at home with Dan and my mom. I went to The Weeknd concert with a girlfriend and I remember feeling SO ALIVE and SO GRATEFUL because I so vividly recalled thinking it it wasn’t something I could imagine ever experiencing again anytime soon. I remember tearing up in the Uber back home just being so grateful and happy.

This is what I’m reminding myself now as we’re moving into week 5 and onwards, because this uncertainty and exit from our normal regular life is probably going to last until the end of the year. When we come back, I hope we all come back feeling more strong, resilient, empathetic, sensitive, and absolutely grateful.

IF NOTHING ELSE, then at least think about this time and how it’ll set you up for success if you ever experience being a first time mom or parent! :)

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parenthoodKaty Hung